Will the real diet destroyers please step forward?

Just about any diet professional will tell you that eating carbohydrates, triglycerides, and whole pies are to blame for our weight problems. They preach that exercise, portion control, and good old fashioned will power are the secret to a healthy body with washboard abs and tanned flesh. However, it’s a well known fact that the secret to your desired movie star figure has nothing to do with any of these things.

To find the real problem you need only look as far as your mouth. “No kidding!” you say when you consider that everything that sticks to your hips has to pass through this cookie cavity. The real culprits here are actually your taste buds.

Stop and consider what else causes you to stick your head into a bag of potato chips, coming up for air only when you’ve licked the inside of the bag clean. If you were really looking to make your stomach full you would eat a bowl of plain oatmeal for that full, satisfied feeling. It’s actually your taste buds that are begging for brown sugar and cream to help you gag it down.

If you don’t believe me then try this experiment. Place your tongue on a hot clothes iron until you hear your little taste buds sizzle a slow and painful death. Once you’re convinced you can’t taste anymore, see if you feel like eating an entire buffet?

See what I mean, you’ve lost the ambition to see your body climb up the calorie charts. In fact about all that you’ll want to do is climb the wall. But that’s exercise which is good so you won’t be gaining weight.

A quick look at the internet reveals two startling facts 1. You can get a $546,023 mortgage for $900 a month, and 2.That our tongue only detects four primary flavors. They include sweet, sour, salty, and soda. Ahhh, actually it’s bitter but since it didn’t start with the letter “s” it seemed out of place.

An artist’s depiction of taste buds reveals that they are some of the ugliest organs in our bodies. The pancreas is actually quite arrogant with the knowledge that it is the Brad Pitt of body parts. The taste buds look like little hairy volcanoes and pre-popped zits so it’s a good thing we can’t see them up close or we would puke.

You may have been the victim of Inflamed Taste Buds. We aren’t talking here about the name of your rival bowling team. Inflamed Buds are caused by all sorts of issues including enraged bacteria living on your tongue, to rabid viruses with long scientific names like Oral Spormatosis Gerifortosis. In plain English this means you’ve been licking cow hooves.

We’ve digressed here so you’ll need to look for my forthcoming book to learn the remaining secrets of how to control your lust crazed taste buds. This in turn will curb your desire to devour an entire pizza, or foam at the mouth with the thought of your favorite ice cream.

Try this electrical shock therapy to control your urges. Hold a 9-volt battery against your tongue for, say, two days. There are clinical tests of power sanding your taste buds to reduce their sharpness.

One promising treatment appears to be exposing taste buds to 20 years of old Cher aerobics tapes and once the gag reflexes are subdued with a fire extinguisher, the tongue hangs limply from the mouth for a week.

In any case it’s important to know that you can’t blame your growing thighs on anything other than your own mouth. Now if you’ll excuse me, I feel the compelling urge to eat a brick of cheese and say Mooooo.

Get more diet tips by e-mailing Bryce at readloosescrews@hotmail.com.

by Bryce Haderlie